Faith When I Fall

It has been a rough 2 months. Maybe the roughest 2 months of my life. Worse than losing my Dad to a sudden heart attack. Worse than moving across the country twice for 2 different college experiences.

How could it have been worse than all of that? How could I have spent 2 wonderful months with my heart and soul yet been so miserable at the same time?

In case you hadn't guessed, this is my heart and soul. :)

It's a long story. One that I won't share completely on here because I don't want to dredge up all the awfulness. Especially since I've finally regained the drive to blog (again...this year has had many blogging interruptions).

When we moved to Nebraska we didn't have a house to live in. The first two weeks we were here and working, we lived in a suite at the Days Inn (used to be a Western Extended Stay). The stock trailer full of our things was parked in a storage lot. Those 2 weeks were a breeze. As stressful as it was finding a place to live, we didn't fight at all. And if you can imagine living in a hotel room with your significant other for 2 weeks (especially if your significant other is a farmer's son with ants in his pants ALL the time) then you can imagine how much there was that we COULD have fought about.

If we didn't fight, then what the heck happened that could have made moving to Nebraska feel like the biggest mistake I have ever made?

Work happened. 

You see, I'm technically in a training position, a "Junior" position, designed to make me a more effective employee when I become a real "Field Advisor" for Wean-to-Market hog units. It's actually a great idea because there is an insane amount of information to learn for this job. Mostly because the company I am working for has policies for EVERYTHING. But when you are as large as this company is, then you need to have a pretty sturdy system in place to make sure everything runs the way it's supposed to. Or at least mostly run the way it is supposed to.

So the first month and a half after I started I was placed in a facility that was getting 24,000 weaned pigs in. I was to learn company practices from the ground up, or from weaned pig start-up and on. Basically I needed to learn our feed systems, treatments, vaccinating, ordering feed/medication/supplies, etc. Well what started out as a good experience turned into a complete and utter disaster. I've seen prettier train wrecks. Seriously.

This was the perfect storm. It was a leased unit (our pigs in a rented barn) that needed a lot of work before pigs were ever placed in the unit (which never happened) under a brand new Field Advisor and a relatively brand new manager and technician that were also responsible for 2 other units. Can you imagine how this might turn into a disaster?

But why was this so hard for me?

Well turns out my mentor had no desire for me to succeed in my job. When I started questioning some of the things that were going on and talking to people above my mentor, things got ugly. Terrible things were being said about me behind my back. Lies were flying all over the place. It finally came to a head when I came back to the unit after a week away and I was told the current lie was "So-and-so doesn't want her at his farms either so he sent her back here." It was so bad that the techs that I was working with were in complete shock over the way I was being treated.

I have never been in a situation where somebody so clearly wanted me to fail. And they almost succeeded in pushing me out. I came home bawling my eyes out every afternoon for a month and a half. And have bawled a few other nights since. The only thing that kept me hanging on was a fierce stubborn streak...and not wanting to move Cody again so soon.

Because if it had just been me, I might have picked up and moved to a different job in a completely different state. It's not that I don't like it here, because I do. It's that I don't feel as though I fit the mold for this job. But I am determined to learn as much as I can and use it in my future endeavors. If it hadn't been for Cody telling me we had to stay though, I wouldn't have stayed.

And trust me, I've been mad at him for making me stick to my guns. But Cody and Kip Moore know what they are doing. All I needed was Faith When I Fall. 

"Give me love when I ain't got nobody
A little hope when I ain't got none at all
Give me light up ahead on a journey
Give me strength when I'm standing
And faith when I fall."