Leaning In...& Terrified

As usual I am way behind the curve. Several months ago I read many glowing reviews of the book Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. I added it to my list of books I wanted to read in the future (when I had more money) and promptly let it drift to the back of my mind. Until we went to Target a couple of weeks ago and it was on the sale shelf...we all know the vortex that Target represents. Buy one thing and it's all downhill from there. But I could not have read this book at a better time in my life and I'm sure that's the way it was supposed to be.



This book is all about how women are marginalized in the workforce and the various factors, both internal and external, that continue this cycle that nobody wants to admit still happens. I won't go into a lengthy diatribe about the book...you really are going to have to read it for yourself, I highly recommend it!

But what struck me, as I'm sure it struck every woman who has read the book, is how shockingly true and personally accurate everything in the book is. Over and over I felt like the book had been written using the thoughts and feelings hidden deeply in myself. It was amazing and at the same time very disturbing because it means that every single woman in the United States (and most likely the entire world) is feeling the same way. And we are all struggling alone instead of reaching out for help.

"At last, someone was articulating exactly how I felt. Every time I was called on in class, I was sure that I was about to embarrass myself. Every time I took a test, I was sure that it had gone badly. And every time I didn't embarrass myself-or even excelled-I believed that I had fooled everyone yet again. One day soon, the jig would be up."

I could not have said it better myself. 

All through college I felt sure that somebody would stand up and say "You aced that test but you are a fraud." 

I still feel like people are going to realize that I am a great big fraud. A fraud with few possibilities for the future. I love agriculture, I truly do, but it's hard when you don't come from a farm or ranch. Immensely hard. It's especially difficult because I don't have my family's farm or ranch to fall back on, no matter how much I wish that I did have that option. Because even though most people are happy and willing to share their knowledge with you and help you gain the experience you need, there are always going to be those bad eggs standing in the background saying "What right do you have to farm or ranch when it is not your legacy?" Another comment I have personally heard is "Just because you work for a farmer or rancher doesn't make you a farmer or rancher." 

OUCH.

Being the hired help is hard enough without being slapped in the face like that. So the hired help isn't really a farmer or a rancher but you're not exactly a civilian either.

Maybe I will just term myself an agriculturist. 

But can I help it if I don't know where I want to settle down yet?

This book came at such a crucial point in my life because my college career is ending. That's right, 6 years has passed and it is time for me to go out into the real world and spread my wings. But job hunting is brutal even if I am not beating a trail from farm to farm or business to business putting out my resume. Most of my job hunting has been done from behind the safety of a keyboard. In many ways it would be easier to prove my mettle in person but unfortunately job hunting is mostly online these days, even in agriculture. And when it comes down to it, I don't necessarily measure up to the job qualifications. I've got the education, the smarts, and some of the experience, but even on paper I don't compare to my beloved fiance and when it comes to agriculture, he will always win, especially in person.

A man from a grain operation who works on John Deere's for a living and stands a stocky 6'5"? Done deal. Me on the other hand? I stand 5'2" (on a good day) and gained all my hands-on experience working through college. 

I know this all sounds like the most pathetic pity party that has ever been recorded. I don't have low self-esteem (in fact have been told I was arrogant a few times in the past), am very confident in my ability to learn and ability to make a difference in whatever small sector of the world I finally land in. But I don't kid myself, I have a steep curve ahead of me. And the female condition...and every cultural and personal insecurity mentioned in Lean In, are obstacles I and every other female will have to face bravely each day. 

I will continue to hold my head high and have faith that my next step will become apparent shortly. But each day I now mentally push myself to Lean In. Lean into my hopes and dreams for the future, the battles I must fight each and every day, and come out the other side fighting. 

You don't have to be female to appreciate the power of this book...and it's going to take each and every one of us changing the way we think and react to make a difference in the lives of women in the workforce.

And for now, I will continue to draw strength from the countless Women In Ag that are out there making a difference in their communities and the internet by sharing their stories. Women who are giving a stranger strength without even realizing they are doing so. 

Lean in? I'm leaning now. Are you?